I struggled my entire life with an overwhelming sense of something blocking me deep from within.
...all of these would show up in my life somehow in one way or another embedded in deeply interwoven cyclical patterns of self-sabotage.
No matter how hard I tried I never got where I really wanted to be: happy, in flow, in love with life, and effortlessly creating the amazing visions that came to me.
I felt deeply stuck.
The worst part was that I felt like I was being teased by the Universe.
I could tangibly feel where I wanted to take my life, I knew what things could be like, and even took bold steps in that direction... but in the end, I would sabotage myself in one way or another.
I would start projects... and never launch them because "they weren't perfect", or because I found another shiny object at end of the rainbow... or I just found a way to run everything into the ground.
I had great inspirations for visions and ideas, only to not share them... or if I did... I would make things so impossibly complicated that nothing ever came of it.
...and most of all....
Every day I would be accompanied with this angst inside of me, a deep sense of lack and scarcity that showed up everywhere in my life no matter how much money I made.
A sense of being not enough and having to push hard to make things work (coupled with a sense of impending doom if I didn't get my act together.)
It was as if some kind force of gravity was consistently pulling me back into the same states of fear, anxiety, crippling doubt, lack, and shame that would hold me back.
...as these cycled repeated, I would enter phases of depression... a deep numbing sadness mixed with total hopelessness and feeling totally and completely stuck.... and this terrified me even more.
So my life was about pushing.
...and by this I mean that I came to the conclusion (or delusion) that so many people buy into.
You start to believe it's your fault.
You start to believe that there's something wrong with you and you need to improve yourself.
More Effort. More Trying. More Stuff.
This delusion is a deeply seeded epidemic and even has it's roots in many so called "healing" movements in modalities that can lead us in endless circles.
I felt all of this and I thought I had to fight against it, so I fought and pushed as hard as I could... and when I couldn't push anymore, well...
Then I pushed some more.
and I collapsed, despite all my efforts, I lost everything, many times.
And when my health began to collapse... that's when panic set in.
That's when I stopped doing, and I started to listen to my body, and the answers began to show up in my life.